


He’s a Killer Queen (Gunpowder and Gelatine)

by awildwriterhasappeared



Series: Crash Course but make it crack [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: (am I aware that’s a Sherlock tag? Very much so thanks for asking), Crack Treated Seriously, Did I write this bc my friend told me to?, Gen, John is a Bit Not Good, Kinda, The Author Regrets Nothing, absolutely - Freeform, absolutely not., did I write this bc I wanted to?, do I regret any of it?, listen guys, not a single word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:40:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21881674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awildwriterhasappeared/pseuds/awildwriterhasappeared
Summary: John Green has a few issues with the German monarchy and an idea of how to fix them.
Series: Crash Course but make it crack [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1582873
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	He’s a Killer Queen (Gunpowder and Gelatine)

**Author's Note:**

> I’m gonna level with you, dear reader. This all started because of an off hand remark in a group chat that led to like an hour of writing this crime against humanity. I regret none of it. Kudos to you for being brave enough to click the link, Godspeed. uwu

Germany woke up slowly, confusion clouding his senses when he realised he was sitting up. He attempted to move his limbs but quickly discovered they were bound behind him, taped to the back of the chair he was currently sitting in. Giving up on movement for the moment, he began to take stock of his surroundings.

The room he was in was dimly lit and empty aside from the chair he was seated in and a sink across the room that dripped rhythmically, and Germany was almost positive he was being held in a basement of some type. A single naked bulb was attached to the ceiling by a wire and was swaying slightly despite the lack of any breeze. It had the feel of a room that someone made after watching far too many hours of Saw, or maybe shitty action movies. 

After sitting there for what felt like maybe ten minutes, he heard the sound of footsteps upstairs. They paused, and he heard an old lock clunk open before the steps began to descend towards him. Germany waited with bated breath, curious to see who could get the jump on a country as old as he was. 

To his surprise, the person who emerged from the darkness was a generic looking man. If you put a gun to Germany’s head and demanded he pick this guy out of a lineup, he would have been as good as dead. 

Without acknowledging him, the generic man (who Germany thought looked kind of like he should be named Griffin) set up a tripod with a strange object atop it. He fiddled with the object for a moment before it lit up with a small red light. Apparently satisfied, he backed up and began to speak. 

“Hi, I’m John Green and welcome to Crash Course! Today I’m in 1918 and I’m going to abolish the German monarchy.” He turned to face Germany. “Hello Ludwig, how are you today?” 

Germany stared at the man. He had to be insane. That was the only possible explanation here.

“Who the fuck are you?” He asked roughly. 

“John Green. I just said that.”

“Right. And where the fuck are we?”

“Not important.” The man, John? Waved the question away before turning back to the odd contraption he’d been talking to earlier. 

“Now as you may have noticed, this is not our usual filming studio. That’s because today’s Crash Course video is going to be a bit more… hands on, you could say. We also have a very special guest with us, the personification of the nation-state Germany!”

Here he gestured towards Ludwig, who was still bound to the chair in the middle of the room and raised an expectant brow at him. After a few moments of awkward silence, he whispered, “say hello Ludwig.”

Germany glared at him. When it became obvious that nothing was going to happen until he played his part, he gave a reluctant nod to the object John was gesturing towards. Seemingly satisfied, John continued with his monologue. 

“In today’s video we’re going to be addressing the German monarchy and some of the issues it caused. At the end, I am personally going to fix these issues with the help of Ludwig over here.”

At this point he launched into the history of Germany. Ludwig, deciding he didn’t care enough to listen to some psychopath ramble about his history, chose to zone out. He came to when he heard John exclaim, “let’s go to the thought bubble!”

Germany looked around, waiting to see this “thought bubble,” and just saw John staring off into space with a blank expression. “What the fuck,” he whispered to himself. As if on cue, the air began to grow misty and he could see cartoon like figures moving around as captions popped up to explain what was happening. After a minute or so of this, John said “thanks thought bubble!” And with a dramatic popping sound the pictures dissipated. 

Ludwig began to wonder if insanity was contagious. 

“Now that we have some context, I’d like to go over my plan for solving these problems.” John turned towards Ludwig once more, but before he could continue to speak Ludwig interrupted him. 

“What is that?” He asked, nodding towards the object on the tripod. 

“That, my friend, is a camera!” John replied cheerfully. 

Ludwig looked between the so-called “camera” and John a few times. “I’ve seen cameras,” he disagreed, “and that is not at all what they look like.” 

“Maybe not now,” John acknowledged, “but it is in 2019, when I’m from.”

Germany stared at John again. “You expect me to believe you, what, time travelled to 1918, 100 years in the past, with new technology just to talk about the issues with my political infrastructure?”

“That about sums it up yea ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯”

“How… how did you make that sound with your mouth?” Ludwig questioned, a horrified look on his face. 

“Oh you know, ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯” John repeated. “Any other questions?”

Ludwig slowly shook his head. 

“Great! In that case, let’s address my proposed solution to some of these issues.” John looked at the camera and added, “now this next portion of our show may be upsetting to some viewers, discretion is advised.” He then pulled out a fucking gun and held it against Germany’s head. 

“What the hell!!!” Germany yelled, attempting to pull his head away from the cold metal resting against his temple. 

“The only way to solve this,” John explained calmly, sounding exactly like a middle school history teacher talking to a classroom full of bored 13 year olds, “is to completely scrap the monarchy. And the only way to do that is to kill you. Well, temporarily at least. Since you’re the personification of a nation-state I don’t think you can die permanently. Maybe if your country is dissolved?”

Ludwig shook his head slightly. “Even if our countries are dissolved we still just kinda stick around,” he explained. “Well, except in the case of the Holy Roman Empire but that was kind of a special case.” 

“Fascinating,” John chirped. “Anyway, I’m gonna shoot you now.” That being said, he pulled the trigger and fucking murdered Germany XD. He dropped the gun and turned back to the camera, wiping the blood on his glasses off onto his pants. “Thanks for watching, and I’ll see you all next time when we discuss the issues with transphobia in media with popular author J.K Rowling.”

**Author's Note:**

> So you actually made it this far? Impressive. Cheers to you and all that. I hope your day gets better after reading this, it can only go up from here. <3
> 
> Update: I guess I’m making this a series now ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
